Tonight is the first night since moving to this town that I have really felt sad, alone… You know how sometimes you get that momentary depression that kind of just gnaws at your gut a bit… Well I’ve been experiencing that today- somewhere between the sappy Christian romance novel, the sudden lack of funds( which really isn’t that sudden after all), the lack of noise(TV, Radio, Friendly Banter), and the seemingly nonexistence in my life of FH(future husband) a small depression has descended on me, like a little tiny grey cloud over my nice blue sky…
Okay, so this may just be a minor thing set off by well being a girl… but mostly I think it’s the quietness- and the fact that I haven’t had a cup of coffee since 9 this morning! I haven’t lived by myself ever in my entire life… For the past four years I have been living on a college campus, so quietness isn’t really a word that I have been accustomed to! And at my house at home… well we tend to make it so we really are never at our house at home. It’s funny how things change. I guess I don’t mind the quiet, it sure gives me time to think, which actually probably isn’t the best for me. Let’s not get me wrong here, I thoroughly enjoy thinking, it’s just that sometimes my thoughts wander to places I don’t want them to go.
Why is it that I can’t seem to keep control of this little noggin of mine?! And why must they always run back to thinking about men? (Okay, so realistically it seems like we are bombarded in our culture with the need to think about men, I mean chick flicks and books and magazines and television and the neighbors… everything is about having the perfect guy or relationships or stuff like that) And then for some reason today it is the nagging feeling that I am not right (which may be true) but it’s the feeling that there is something wrong with me… Why am I not pretty, why do guys look right past me, why am I such a terrible flirt, why is my self esteem so low, why must I ask all these questions?
I have a feeling that God Is looking down at me, hurting for me, saying ‘Child, why can you not see the precious sight that you are to me? Why will you not look at yourself like I look at you? Why can you not see the great care and love that I put into creating you? And why can you not be content with where I have placed you and wait until I can unfold my plans for your life before you? And really, I want to give God full control, I want to live my life vicariously knowing that someone else has my back… but I’m afraid, afraid that by giving up control I will lose it all… God is whispering, ‘just jump, let me catch you…’
Jesus is the light… and with Him in my life I can smile knowing that this mini depression is nothing but a small small cloud, and no cloud can cover the light of my Jesus… Tomorrow is another day, filled with laughing children, hot coffee, God’s promises… and sunshine!
